I, like many Warrior fans, have done some soul searching over the past week since learning that the talent of our team will not be returning to Oakland next year. I, like many Warrior fans, are wondering what to do with my Baron Davis jersey. I, like many Warrior fans, am contemplating whether the photo of Diddy pooping on Kirlenko retains the right to rest on my wall, or if it should reside next to my toilet to save the day when I run out of toilet paper.
For those of you who do not know what I am talking about, I will lead you through the 5 step thought process most Warrior fans have gone through in the past week. It is eerily similar to when you break up with a dirty, super hot, whorish girlfriend.
1) Denial. The immediate thought I had when headed south on the 101 was “this isn’t happening. Baron said he wasn’t going to opt of his contract. He told Nellie he’d be back. He told his teammates he’d be back. How could he lie to baby faced Monta? He’ll be back. I hope.”
Comparison to dirty, super hot ex-girlfriend: She’ll be back. I’ll wake up in the morning and I’ll have this warm little cuddly thing neatly tucked in between the sheets. This breakup is just like the last tussle we had.
2) Questioning. “How did this happen? I thought Baron Davis loved G-State. I thought after all these years, he finally found a coach that allowed him to shoot threes at will. Fans worshipped his beard. The team made him their captain. What could the Warriors have done to prevent it? Was it Mullin?” (The blank, empty feelings start to seep in…) “remember when he dunked on Kirelenko…or hit that half court buzzer beater at halftime…or hit that game winning three against LA…”
Comparison to that whorish, so hot ex-girlfriend that is now being desperately missed: “Damn I miss her. Is she really going/gone? I did all that I could, didn’t I? I put up with those stupid shopping sprees. I didn’t complain, that much, when she was too tired to give it up. WTF? Remember that time when she went down on me in the laundry room at that party…or that time she went down on me in my dad’s hot tub…or that time she went down on me with ice in her mouth…”
3) Anger. “How could Baron leave the Warriors for the shitty Clippers! They suck balls! His knees are going to blow anyway! What an asshole for not giving Mullin some fucking notice! Selfish dickhead prick! Always was a premadonna! Him and his big ass teeth! We’re better off without him anyway!!!” (Promptly rip down Kirlenko posters…)
Comparison to that ugly bitch: “Fuck that whore! How could she go down on that fuckface who wears fluorescent color polos and eats sushi? That bitch! She gave shitty head anyway! Her and her wack ass weave! I’m better off without her!” (Promptly take down pictures of that two-bit slut resting on nightstand.)
4) Acceptance. “Ok. Maybe he’s better off in Los Angeles. He likes to make movies and he’s from LA, so it’s good that he’s home. And he is on the Clippers, so it’s not like he’ll be that happy playing. The Warriors will manage. Maybe the Warriors will pick up Elton Brand. Yeah, that’d really piss the Clippers off.”
Comparison to that girl you used to date: “Ok. Maybe she’s better off without me, and maybe I’m better off without her. It’s not like we were super compatible. At least now she is in New York modeling clothes and doing what she really wants. And at least that way she is like, 2,578 miles away from my house.”
5) Revenge. “What should I do with this Baron Davis jersey…I definitely don’t want it hanging next to Joe Montana and my Barry Bonds jersey…I know! When the Los Angeles Clippers visit Oakland for the first time, I will orchestrate, and promote, a giveaway night! Warrior fans who no longer have a need to hold on to their Baron Davis jersey can bring their jersey to the game and give it away, or give it back to Baron during pre-game! That’s genius!” (any fans who would like to participate in Baron Davis throwback jersey night, please comment below and we’ll get this thing going.)
Comparison to that girl who is dead to you, but still is damn fine: “Remember that fluorescent polo shirt wearing dude she hooked up with…well, his ex-girlfriend was giving you the eye at the bar…make sure it gets back to your ex-girlfriend if you hook up with her…continue to do well at everything, just enough so she wants you back…then when she contacts you just to say “hi,” tell her you have something for her…then give her back her shit.”
Side note: During the construction of this article, I facebooked stalked my ex-girlfriend once. Warrior fans will find themselves doing the same thing- stalking the Clipper box scores starting this November.